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One Minute to Midnight
Feb. 7th, 2009 11:59 pmSo today, I went to the Bar Mitzvah of someone who is somehow a cousin. I think the relationship is something like his grandfather and my mother are first cousins. He didn't do a particularly good job, but not everyone has an easy parsha either.
The parsha itself is the one with the Red Sea Pedestrians. You know, Pharaoh goes after the Jews with nine hundred chariots and the whole force dies horribly in the Reed Sea? Then there's this song which, I feel, could be improved by the removal of the horrible atonal tune that goes with it. It basically goes (and this is pretty much every Jewish prayer ever) God is good, God is great, God saved the day, okay I'm bored.
The other half of the parsha was all about Jews whining. Jews are really very good at this, so much so that we've elevated it to an art form, known as the kvetch. (If you've seen Hebrew Hammer you'll know what I mean.) They kvetched that, at least in Egypt, there was water and garlic and meat and melons, whereas they were going to starve in the desert. God was all, "-_- Do I have to do everything for you?" Then he waggled his fingers or whatever and it was time for the annual quail migration (meat) and the manna precipitation (bread) and had Moses hit a rock so there was water.
Then the Amaleks attacked. They were the natives and they thought that a force of at minimum 500K people moving through their territory was a threat. However, instead of attacking the armed forces in daylight like honorable enemies, they attacked the camp stragglers (the women and children and old people). The army went off to fight them, and they were beaten and ran away. This is not the last we hear of the Amaleks, because man do those people know how to hold a grudge.
Also, I learned the meaning of the word Amen. It means something like "a firm foundation" or "an irrefutable fact." You could use the word to describe the place you'd have to stand for Aristotle to put his lever and move the world. And also, of course, agree with a prayer.
The parsha itself is the one with the Red Sea Pedestrians. You know, Pharaoh goes after the Jews with nine hundred chariots and the whole force dies horribly in the Reed Sea? Then there's this song which, I feel, could be improved by the removal of the horrible atonal tune that goes with it. It basically goes (and this is pretty much every Jewish prayer ever) God is good, God is great, God saved the day, okay I'm bored.
The other half of the parsha was all about Jews whining. Jews are really very good at this, so much so that we've elevated it to an art form, known as the kvetch. (If you've seen Hebrew Hammer you'll know what I mean.) They kvetched that, at least in Egypt, there was water and garlic and meat and melons, whereas they were going to starve in the desert. God was all, "-_- Do I have to do everything for you?" Then he waggled his fingers or whatever and it was time for the annual quail migration (meat) and the manna precipitation (bread) and had Moses hit a rock so there was water.
Then the Amaleks attacked. They were the natives and they thought that a force of at minimum 500K people moving through their territory was a threat. However, instead of attacking the armed forces in daylight like honorable enemies, they attacked the camp stragglers (the women and children and old people). The army went off to fight them, and they were beaten and ran away. This is not the last we hear of the Amaleks, because man do those people know how to hold a grudge.
Also, I learned the meaning of the word Amen. It means something like "a firm foundation" or "an irrefutable fact." You could use the word to describe the place you'd have to stand for Aristotle to put his lever and move the world. And also, of course, agree with a prayer.
